South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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