mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
