I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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