my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
