The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
