just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
