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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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