well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
