did you get engaged???
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
