Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
