C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
In America we eat man semen.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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