is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
