My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
