I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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