dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
