I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
