dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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