I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
