Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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