Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
