In the future we'll all be gay
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
