I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
