can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
