I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
