dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
