do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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