So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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