no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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