Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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