it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
