the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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