So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
