im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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