Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
