Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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