Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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