I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
