Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
