Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
please come you make the beer taste better
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
