I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
