I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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