If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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