Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
