I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
