I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
