I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
