there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
