I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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