i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
