Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
