a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i believe in u and ur pee
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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