How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
