i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
