life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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