Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
