I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He shit in the fireplace
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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