we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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