Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
