I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
