I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
