I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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