I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
