rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
