I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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