if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
