Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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