I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize