I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
